I
The sun was hot that day, beating down on my neck
beads of sweat were stuck in your moustache, and your sunken eyes
were so alive when you smiled at me and my girlish excitement
I wanted that new dress at the market, and you promised you would buy it for me.
But first we had to find Abbas, he had wandered off
probably to use his smile against pretty girls you told me.
I remember the sound of your voice as you told me
  (your little Amirah)
that I was a blessing, that you were glad you had me, your boyish girl.
Your hand felt so rough and big in mine as I held it
walking in the market that day.
These were some of my favorite moments, walking with you
on our weekly shopping trips.
You stopped to light a cigarette, camels, your favorite kind.
I ran ahead because something shiney had caught my eye, a beautiful vase.
In that moment, the second my fingers touched the warm glass
heated in the hot sun
My life changed.
I will never forget that sound, a near by woman screamed
-- Or was it me
And glass shattering on the pavement.
I turned and my world was in slow motion, I watched you fall
crumple onto the pavement
lit camel falling from your lips to dissappear forever.

II
At your funeral my mother cried, but I didn't
I stood still, stiff, refused to believe.
Afterwards I was bitterly angry.
You left me with a book, the one you always carried in the pocket of your vest
It had blood on it, in the top corner of the pages.
Who knows how old that stain was.
But the pages smell like your hookah
(do you know I smoke camels now too?)
And you left me money, hoping I would use it for good.
But my mind thirsted for justice
like a rose in the desert thirsts for water.
I tried to find them, the ones who took you from me
I tried to make them pay.
I tried to heal this
I still try...
Every day I feel the absence, that hole that you left
I never did get that dress.
Sometimes when it's night, and the crickets are silent
I hear your laugh, and the way it would fill a room.
I'm working very hard now, do you know that?
Papa, are you proud of me?

III
We grew up together, cried together
held each other at our father's funeral.
(Neither of us could cry, but we wanted to)
We were spurred by the need for justice together
You and I, we were a team.
I loved you more than a sister loves her brother
You were a counterpoint to my irrationality
And I to your cool logic, and occasional fear.
We did so much, yelled so loud
and people listened.
We made people care
We created an army,
but we were an army just us, remember?
When I left home, you told me to be strong
and saluted me at the airport.
And you gave me a small flag, it's never left my side since
Our cause was noble, don't forget that.
Justice.
Equality.
Freedom.
We fought so vehemently for these things.
I hope you won them.

IV
I wasn't there when you died, and that hurt me more than anything
Knowing that I told you to go
I sentenced you to your death without even knowing it.
I'm so sorry, brother.
I wish I could have been there, I know you were great.
I know you didn't cry.
And your wife is with you too now, isn't she?
I promise my brother, my soldier, my general
I will make you proud.

V
Why do we fight wars?
Why do we lose
and take?
Why do we put each other through the pains we know ourselves?
Why do we try to justify it?
Why do we use terms like 'collateral damage' to pacify our guilt?
Why do we use violence to aim for peace?
And why, why won't it ever end?